More Thoughts on his Birthday....

This week I have found myself in deep thought about my little boy's BIRTHday....the day that he met this world with wonder....

Almond shaped Eyes peaking open
Tiny little Lungs breathing in oxygen
Wrinkley little fists clenching tightly
Miniature Vocal chords squealing out their first sounds.

Overwhelming, strong, intense emotion washes over me when I think of the day he was born and wondering what it was like....
I grieve at the loss of missing his birth....I missed it. Every last bit of it. I wasn't there.....

I wasn't there to hear his first cries, or to hold his little wrinkley hand. I wish that I was...but that wasn't in the plan. I wonder what the room was like that his Korean mother delivered him in. What words did she whisper to him as she held him in her arms? Did she snuggle her nose into his big squishy cheeks like I love to do? What was the doctor's name? What words were spoken in that moment that he was born? There is so much that I missed and wish I could know it for myself....so that when I tell him his birth story, I could tell it with those details. But I don't know those details.

What I DO know....God didn't miss one moment of that day. He was there to witness his precious birth. He was with the doctors in the delivery room giving them the ability to do their job with precision, He was with a new mother in distress...giving her wisdom to make the best decision she could in making a plan her baby's future. He was there giving her comfort in a time of unbearable grief and pain...telling the little bundle wrapped in a snuggly blanket goodbye. I cannot imagine the pain of that goodbye, I'm sure it took her breath away as it takes mine away only thinking about it.

What I DO know about that day....God stepped forward as she let go. He began a plan to restore what was broken. He provided, He gave protection and care, He began a healing work in all that was lost in the moment mother and child said goodbye.

He is a God who RENEWS
He is a God who RESTORES
He is a God who HEALS
That is who He is.

So now I lean on Him as He helps me to understand Sy's birth story and helps me to feel the pain of what was lost and the joy of what was gained....so that I can walk Sy through his story with understanding as I tell him his story over the coming years.

I'm so glad God chose me to partner with him in this particular "restoration project"....to be Sy's Momma. To help him live the life that his Korean Momma chose for him. Sometimes I feel guilty at all the good parts I get. I get to see his smiles, his milestones, his funny dances, his amazing imagination, his big strong hugs. I get so much more.

I don't know if I will ever get to tell her in person, but I pray that she knows I am so thankful for her choice. For choosing LIFE for our sweet Sylas.

The only thing I can offer her in return, is my heartfelt prayers for her....prayers for peace and healing from the wounds that were made when she said goodbye........and my promise to try...every day....to be a better Momma than the day before, to be the best Momma I can be for this little boy that we both love so dearly.